nightlife, relationships

Raiding the suburbs

London can, at times, be one of the hardest places to pick up chicks in the World. Most London girls believe that every man in London is psychologically disturbed until proven otherwise. The fact is that all girls remember that crazy guy who was wanking on the tube or have become desensitised through getting their tits ogled 1032 times a day or has met some dude who seemed really chilled at the start of the night out and turned into an absolute weapon at the stroke of midnight.

If they don’t already think that all men are nutjobs, they almost certainly have London disease, which also hinders a guy’s chance of getting BD. London disease is contagious and can effect men and women with equal probability. It’s caused by London’s global bad-assness in central human pursuits such as fashion, music, cocktails, food, finance and general vibe. This infects those that are susceptable with an unerring belief that they are the best thing that has ever walked the Earth. This leads to a distorted view of their general attractiveness and can lead to disequilibrium in the getting-laid market as the girl prices herself above her market clearing position.

All in all, it can be a difficult place at times, especially considering all the bars seem to be more packed with sausage than a hot dog stand. So get online, get a map up and pick out a medium-sized city at random to debauch.

As anyone who lives outside of London will tell you, there’s plenty of things going on in the provinces and it’s not all inbred barn dances and cock fighting so even without tapping some hot local ass, you may have a reasonable time. However, in the backwaters, a refined London casanova can exploit the fact that the local gentry can be, shall we say, a little off the pace. So dust of your rapier-like wit, pick out your favourite debonair attire, sharpen your urbanite edge and get ready to fill your big smoggy swag bag with attractive yokels.

There are a few key factors that will maximise your chance of having a proverbial roll in the hay with a busty, bohemian small town girl. Firstly, you need to research the area, especially the best hotels, restaurants and bars. You don’t want to end up in the local chav bar or staying at Fawlty Towers, this will severely reduce your chances of getting in on the local talent and increase your chances of getting beaten up by the local knuckledraggers for wearing a cravat.

Secondly, get your game head on. You are a new and exciting proposition compared to the stonewash jeans & untucked Next shirt clad local dudes, but you need to back this up with substance. You must wow them with your wide-ranging knowledge and exemplary gentlemanly conduct and have them crying with laughter from your witty anecdotes and general tomfoolery. Ultimately you need to have them wet from the fact that you are an absolute gun in all respects.

Finally, if you have been unfortunate enough to contract London disease, make sure you don’t take it on your travels. There’s a saying that is along the lines of “no-one likes a cunt”, this is a universal concept. Be interested and impressed by their home town (even if you have to fake it). Also, play up to the fact that you don’t know the area and would appreciate their advice, 9 times out of 10 if you are getting on well they will acompany you to the best local nightspot – which is pretty much the home straight. At this point the extra bucks you spent on the hotel suddenly looks like money well spent. Try to avoid the whole “Hey I’m only here for one night so why don’t we have crazy, rabid sex?” approach – she knows you’re only here for one night, there’s no need to spell out the likely futility of anything other than one night of mindless rutting.

So what are you waiting for? If you are sick of these insipid London debutantes, pack up your weekend bag and hit the road to Laidsville, population you.

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