» Fuck Hansard!
london, society
A manifesto for London’s cyclists.
Listen, fellow two-wheelers, we are getting monumentally F’d in the A currently. The amount of SUV’s, sportscars and white vans on the roads is increasing despite the congestion charge, while provision for cyclists has fallen of the agenda of the LDA in the excitement about who is going to be mayor. On which note Boris Johnson can go auto-fellate, the stupid tory fop.Every day I am passed by drivers on the phone, people in the cycle lane and drivers assuming that, as there are no cyclists in it yet, the green box at a junction was ordained for them. And I, for one, have had enough.We need to reclaim our rights on the road. But in order to do that, I guess we should adopt certain responsibilities. So let’s start with the blues, eh?
- Red lights at traffic junctions should be stopped at. Crossings are fair game; we’re basically very efficient pedestrians, so why can’t we go across with the rest of the people without engines). Just don’t hit anyone, yeah?
- The cycle lane is for us. Use it; I know you want to assert your space in the road, but everyone loses when cyclists ignore the space that has been put aside for them.
- Use lights, get something bright on and please, for the sake of all that’s holy, make sure your brakes work.
- Ride at the same speed as majority of cyclists. I don’t expect you to keep up with me while I streak past you slipstreaming a gangly cycle courier, but don’t be a danger to yourself and others. If you or your bike are slow, get fit or get to Brick Lane market respectively.
- Don’t use your phone while cycling. Because I will push you off and punch you in the throat, OK?
There we are; some fairly simple and healthy responsibilities for us to take on as road users. Now what do we get in return?
- The right to laugh at, spit on or kick your SUV or sports car anywhere within Zone 1. Because seriously, what the fuck do you think you are playing at? You are an embarassment to our entire race and should be sterilised for the good of the rest of us. Actually, I can’t endorse eugenics, so how about we euthenise you and stop you wasting perfectly good air at the same time?
- The right to any area of the road with green paint on. You know the old joke about the Cycle path (psychopath) coming into the pub. Well that’s about to get literal. Ever wondered what your car would look like with a groovy epicyclic pattern down the side. Drive in the cycle lane: I’ll do you one for free, mofo.
- The right to expect pedestrians to look left/right when they cross the road. Bikes are quiet; it’s one of the reasons they win at environmental stuff. Me having to scream abuse at you does not help my overall energy efficiency, so maybe next time I won’t bother. (Yes, I know, I should get a bell. But how dorky would that be? Maybe a foghorn…). Just consider looking, please.
- It’s cold, it’s wet and there are massive puddles on the road. Don’t force me into them. I’m not inside a 2-ton steel umbrella, if you hadn’t noticed.
- Yes, I’m going to cycle to the front of this massive queue of traffic. There are 2 reasons for this. Firstly, I don’t want to sit behind your wheezing car/van/bus and get a lungful of tasty particulates. Kinda defeats the point of giving up smoking (I tried a pollution mask; it turns out it’s really hard to accuse Volvo drivers of abducting Madeline McCann while wearing it). Secondly, why the fuck shouldn’t I cycle to the front of the line. I’m not killing the world in a calm, climate controlled death machine.
- Look, I’m going to cycle over this pedestrian crossing. I’m not going to hit you if you keep going and doing what you were doing before because that is what I have based my assumptions on. I will however, be trying to go behind you. Which means that when you stop and stare at me like some freakish bipedal rabbit, you are endangering yourself like, well, a huge freakish bipedal rabbit. Just keep walking.
- If you cross the road in front of or behind a bus you deserve to die in order to increase the overall genetic fitness of the species. FACT ALERT.
That’s me done; despite the overbearing demands, this comes down to some pretty simple things.
- Cyclists, remember you are silent and unexpectedly fast. Don’t fuck with pedestrians and try to be where drivers would expect you to be. Also, it helps if you cycle with the assumption that every driver is trying to kill you.
- Drivers, remember you have been given charge of a 2+ tonne killing machine. Don’t kill anyone, don’t think you can use your phone while driving and stay on the parts of the road that you are paying for with your road tax. Also, stop trying to kill cyclists.
The only other proviso that must be considered to all of this is Volvo drivers. There’s and old, apocryphal tale about a mini getting written off by a Volvo driver, who hardly has a scratch on his car. The Volvo driver gets out and says, “well, at least I was driving the safest car on the road”. To which the Mini driver says “well, you shouldn’t have got out of it” and punches him in the ear. If you have a burning urge to bu the safest car in the world, it’s probably because you know, deep down, that you are the least safe driver on the road at any given point. Listen to that voice and don’t buy a car. Or if you do, get a Smart car so that you can contribute to the overall genetic fitness for driving that homo sapiens has. And before any of you ask, yes, I did have a bad cycle home today. This article was also courtesy of the fact that, according to HSBC’s in-branch radio, today is the most dangerous day to be on the roads. Whodathunk?
[...] last month I vented a bit about being a cyclist in London. It might seem a bit harsh, but generally it’s a pretty tough [...]
Sounds as if the Japanese cycling experience is about to get a whole World harder…FYI
http://timesonline.typepad.com/urban_dirt/2008/03/ban-the-backi-1.html#more