Politics

Tories reclaim the Left…WTF?!

Under the stewardship of Tony “I’ll try and run for EU President just to piss you off Gordy” Blair, the Labour Party dothed it’s cap to it’s Lefty roots but firmly steered the big red ship into the central tranche of the political canal. Through a new political strategy called the “beg, steal and borrow policies” approach, Labour managed to scupper the Tories and the Lib Dems whenever they had a good idea by using their primacy to implement said good ideas.

New Labour rode the Economic upturn horse faster than you can say “Nigel Lawson Boom/Nigella Lawson Bust”.

Despite Big Gordo heralding the end of boom/bust economics with his frugile, penny-bothering ways, from where we’re sitting now (creeping inflation, weakened corporate outlook, financial market paralysis, personal debt spiral, property market crashs) I can’t help but get a twinge in my loins that a recession is going to romp down the hill just as quickly as Swiss Tony and Flash Gordon rode up it.

Now I don’t know what Alistair Darling’s horse riding is like, but if I was a betting man, I’ve got a funny feeling he won’t last as Chancellor as long as this guy does whilst partaking in ‘Stranger Rodeo’:

Darling has crushed confidence in the government’s ability to run the economy. His flip-flopping on levying a pittance of a tax on non-doms was frankly cringeworthy. For those not in the know on this one, the Tories cast out a policy fishing line into the lake of public opinion on taxing rich foreigners living in our country (talk about a no-brainer for gaining support from immigration-nutters of the Tabloids and Mail!). They managed to catch a big Silver Fox with this lofty, uncharacteristic Tory policy bait. When Darling went to press with ‘his’ magnificent plan, he got completely savaged by the City and even some of his own ranks. Surprisingly, Darling seems to have shelved these plans showing he’s right up there with the best when it comes to taking the left wing mantra of redistribution of wealth to heart.

In terms of the Northern Rock debacle, he should have learned from the wise stoner hip-hoppers, Cypress Hill when they said “when the shit goes down, you better be ready”. Darling was caught off guard by events like a teenager whose mum has just walked in with Tea and Hobnobs to find him hunched over his laptop with his pants down. Darling was caught dawdling with his pants down whilst what was required was quick, succinct and assertive action and now it is the nation that is having it’s pants pulled down in order to pick up the tab.

Anyway, now that I’ve got my hatchet job out the way, the reason for the post is the flowery words that are pouring out of good old bean David Cameron’s mouth (full text here). If it wasn’t tagged up as his speech, I would struggle to recognise which party it was coming from. For those that are pondering whether the party has taken a profound about-turn, remember, they’re Tories. If this speech had come from Chuck Norris or Jack Bauer, I may have believed it had a cat in hell’s chance of being implemented, but we as an electorate need to see past the charming, inclusive and populist words of “our mate Dave” and remember that the election is not about voting for one person over t’other, it’s all those that are lurking in the murky shadows of members clubs parading old school ties that are being elected. It’s the Conways, the Lamonts, the Johnsons and the Archers. It’s the Sloane’s that laugh raucously as they revel in their unrelenting opulence and unfettered consumerism. It’s the xenophobes living in the Home Counties who preach about the perils of immigration but haven’t set foot in areas that live and breath the benefits of immigration.

Are these people the people that come to mind when you think of someone who is well-placed to bring sweeping political change? I don’t think so.
I can’t wait for the election, purely on the basis of the subverts that will be going on, here’s a selection of the finest from the last election.

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