Politics

Keep Boris out in one easy step…

Apparently it’s neck-and-neck in the London mayoral race, you’ll not be surprised to hear that it’s not the Trotskyite and the Policeman out in front but Red Ken and Blithering-idiot Boris. I’ve always been amused, bemused and confused by these pre-result polls…really how accurate are they? I can’t help but think about as accurate as a drunk’s pissing after 10 litres of White Lightning.

Could this man be anymore of a cunt?

Anyway, read on if you’re as committed as me in making sure bumbling, brain-bothering Boris doesn’t get in as Mayor. If you are one of the people wanting Boris to get in, what are you doing here? Surely you should be over at Max Mosley’s house?

If you still require evidence that the guy is an absolute imbecile, here is an chronology of his media fuck-ups. If you want an example hot of the press, check out this dubious shit he came out with about homosexuality this week. As Brian Paddick pointed out at the start of the year, the fact is that Boris has had to curb his drinking to avoid more horrendous gaffes.

To add to his gaffes, the man is all wind, postering (badly for that matter) and piffle. He clearly worked out his one policy of any granularity on ancient Greek prices. His idea of ditching bendy buses (which I happen to think are fine), bringing conductors back on buses and digging up Routemasters (which is clearly a ploy to spark rose-tinted memories of the “good old days”) has been outed as being complete and utter bollocks. The maths is so far off you have to really wonder if he could deliver anything other than a paper. That being said, perhaps he’d be more suited to delivering milk in view of his “the milkman always knocks twice” escapades on the extra-marital front.

For those unaware, this mayoral election will utilise a Single Transferable Voting system, something that frankly the other half of our editorial team is much more of an authority on. However, I find that if you’re an idiot, it’s sometimes better to have things explained to you by an idiot, or at least a clever person pretending to be an idiot, ergo, we should get on just fine.

The nuts and bolts of it are simple, you vote for who you want to win (durr). However, it gets a little niftier when people get knocked out assuming that no-one has already won. Basically, as people get knocked out, the electoral committee will look at who the second preference was of any individual who voted for the candidate that has been eliminated and apply that vote to the second preference. This cycle of eliminating candidates and applying their votes continues until someone wins.

So indulge me in a simple practical example. If you vote for Brian Paddick (Lib Deb) for example, ensure that you put Ken second, Hulk Hogan third and Jeremy Beadle fourth…and Boris as low as humanly possible.

My sentiments expressed here are of grave importance. We cannot let this man become London Mayor. If is does happen, I will probably leave the country before the end of his term. I implore you to change your facebook status’ to anti-Boris/pro-Ken slogans, to drop into any conversation how much of a jerk-off he is and wear vaguely ironic t-shirts expressing either of these sentiments. Here are some examples of ways you can drop his shortcomings into conversation:

Work Colleague: So, where are we on the Q1 figures against targets?
You: Well do you want the good news or the bad news?
Work Colleague: Hit me with the bad news first..
You: Boris Johnson is a cunt and there’s a chance he might become Mayor of London. If that happens I may have to get Michael-Douglas-Falling-Down up in this motherfucker, and you don’t want that, capiche?
Work Colleague: So what’s the good news?
You: We made the beast with two backs all over the Q1 targets and I’m not going to whup yo’ ass today.
Work Colleague: Cool.

Whilst Ken is clearly no perfect candidate and is also suffering from somewhat of an incumbent malaise, he is light years ahead of Boris as a politician, a man, a leader, a visionary, a liberal (clearly) and above all, a Mayor.

5 Comments

• On 04.09.08 sarah wrote these pithy words:

  Under STV, its better not to vote for someone rather than make them your very bottom preference. I doubt they will go for eight rounds though.

• On 04.09.08 Ade Clarke wrote these pithy words:

  Actually the system used in is Alternative Vote. You only have a first and second choice. To keep Boris out you should vote for who-the-hell-ever you want first (excluding Boris) and then vote for Ken second (assuming you didn’t vote for him first).

  I actually do bore myself sometimes…

• On 04.09.08 kingmug wrote these pithy words:

  Oops; my bad! I’ve spent lots of the last three months working ona STV system and looking at that; it’s such a tender, loving voting system after all.
  So yeah, WSI recommendation, FWIW, is Ken, Brian/Sian.

• On 04.11.08 sarah wrote these pithy words:

  I might be in the background of some of the Green mayoral manifesto launch photos, with some not-very-stealth creeping past. Fame awaits.

• On 04.21.08 Sarky bint wrote these pithy words:

  Incidentally, re: para 4 – is Boris reduced to putting up his own advertising, wonkily?

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