“Bob (32), Chicken stuffer from Bolton says “They used to call me Four eyes Magoo at work, it was really getting me down. My mole-like vision was starting to impact my work; I just wasn’t stuffing chickens as accurately as I used to. This spilled over into my personal life as I started coming home empty-handed from the Grab-a-Granny night, purely because I couldn’t find the place any more. My mate Malachi had the procedure done and he’s gone from strength to strength – he’s just been awarded the “Top Turkey” award for his incredible efficiency at stuffing turkeys since his op. So I decided to give it a go and now my life is pretty much like a dream. It’s like what I imagine it’s like to live in Heat magazine. In fact, I’ve become a bit of a minor celeb due to my exploits on the Bolton hipster scene (although my mum isn’t too happy about the video doing the rounds on the internet). Anyway, if I had to rate it out 100, I’d rate it 1000 !!!!!!!1!!!one!!

Get it done now, and you to can live like Bolton’s version of Don Juan”.

Anyway, let’s cut the BS. I had it done recently and here’s the drains up:

Consultation

They do pretty thorough tests on your eyes as part of the consultation to assess whether you are suitable or not – it’s not like one of those pop-ups that says that you just so happen to be today’s winner so you can take part in some prize draw, there is some scientific reasoning behind it.

Ask as many questions as humanly possible, work on them before had so you can get totally comfortable – ask your friends what questions they would have (not saying that you’re stupid per se, but people see things from different angles – pun time).

If you’re happy make sure you get the right treatment and be careful, it’s easy to be upsold when the stakes are so high. I went for the mid-range option instead of the super-duper option (50% difference in price) because I basically drilled the guy about the difference and he couldn’t give me substantial evidence of any impact for me (and guess what – I’m not dictating this to one of my minions to write).

The Op

Everyone wants to know about the Op, I’m surprised that my dog hasn’t asked me about the Op. Basically, they apply local anesthetic so you can’t feel anything. There are quite a few bright lights to deal with, but on the basis that the guy is operating on your eyes it’s probably best for all concerned!

The big part of the Op is the pressure that they have to put on your eye to get it in a suitable state to operate on (also they have to clamp your eyelids) – this all sounds bad if you’re squeamish but think of the benefits. I admit it was a little disorientating but not the worst thing I’ve experienced in my life and I’m from Devon and have lived a sheltered life, i.e. fluffy sheep, ambrosia and chilled vibe.

The actual lasering bit is a little like watching an 80s sci-fi movie from a first-person camera angle. It’s a little trippy, but not exactly horrifying. There is a slight stench of your retina burning but hey, at least it doesn’t smell like hair burning (or shit in a bag on your doorstep for that matter).

The bottom line is that it took less than 20 minutes and after that I could see. FACT. I’m sitting here right now less than a week after the Op and I can spot a hot chick at 100 yards, no probs. My eyes are a little bloodshot and a little dry but that’s it.

Post Op

There’s some after-care i.e. eye drops and check-ups but nothing too stressful, the most annoying thing will be having to explain it over and over again to weasels (see Dilbert and the Way of the Weasel for extensive definition of weasels).

Also you can get some good comedy if you walk through the reception area after the op. Basically it will be filed with people waiting to have the op. So when you come out with your sunglasses on all the squinty, bespectacled eyes will be on you. Here’s where you can pretend to be blind, just to freak them out – yeah break out a bit of Stevie Wonder head movement, shake them up a bit.